


A New Hope for Reylo

by Jasper5



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Ben Solo Lives, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Force Bond (Star Wars), POV Ben Solo, POV Rey (Star Wars), Redeemed Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:28:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 10,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23043259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jasper5/pseuds/Jasper5
Summary: TROS spoilers:What happens after Rey saves Ben in the caves of Exegol. Once they finally get their time together, will their love survive?  This is fanfiction and my attempt to cope with the Reylo-sized hole left in my heart at the end of TROS.Let me know what you think!  I hope it helps you to cope too! Enjoy!* This Fic is ongoing--more to come!*
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 9
Kudos: 21





	1. Prologue: A New Beginning?

REY

What no one knows – what no one can suspect – is that Ben left the caves of Exegol with me. Apparently, the dyad trumps all – even Palpatine's wrath. Our life force is one—I can feel it now. Simply put: if one of us lives, the other cannot die.

He came close; that much was true. He was weak, but alive. My Ben, my other half. Maz was right: my belonging did lie ahead of me and now that I understood that, I would do whatever I needed to do to protect it. To ensure that Kylo Ren was gone forever and that only Ben remained.

But I'm not naïve – I knew that my friends, Finn, Poe, Chewie, and the rest would never understand. To them he would always be the monster he once was. They never saw the conflict, the regret, the loneliness, the longing that I saw within him. That's what drew me to him after all—the parallels in our stories. His pull to the light and mine to the dark. How easily his path could have been mine. How close I had come to taking Kylo's hand.

That's why I brought his nearly lifeless body with me to Tatooine. To protect him, to heal him, to completely eradicate Kylo Ren, to make him mine. In private. But only time would tell me if I would succeed.


	2. A New Hope on Tatooine

REY

After days of my careful ministrations and life force infusions, Ben had finally regained consciousness. We were hidden away in his Uncle's abandoned childhood home. I'd buried Luke and Leia's sabers nearby as in a ritual to the past and future. I'd already made myself a new one—using part of my staff and a scavenged kyber crystal—as I'd patiently waited for him to come back to me, and Ben could construct one...once I was sure he could be trusted. He was confused when he awoke and I'd be lying if I claimed to have all the answers. The events of that day were still a mystery to me.

"But how..? I felt myself leave." His voice was raspy from disuse. But the way he looked at me—how I had missed those eyes that could see into my soul and strip me bare.

"I saw you go too—I thought I had lost you, but as I turned to go your body had returned. And in that moment I knew that we couldn't be separated. I'm truly not sure how—perhaps your mother's work? Or some unnatural magic related to that dreadful place?" I shivered as I remembered the bone-chilling evil that filled the cavern where Palpatine—my grandfather—was reborn. Where I finally defeated him with the help of the Jedi that came before me. Evil yes, and yet it was the place where Ben came to me—where I realized he was not lost to me.

I gazed at Ben's face—now devoid of the scar that I had inflicted when we first met, and had inadvertently healed when I closed his lightsaber wound. I hoped it was a sign of his tortured soul being healed too—that he was only Ben. But, I'll be honest, as he reached for me and pulled me towards him it didn't really matter to me. He was here, and warm, and alive, and I would take him as he was.

BEN

Waking up from what seemed to have been a very long nightmare, my first emotion was shame. It was the first thing I remembered—what I'd done to my family—how I'd let them down. What I'd done to my father. Did I even deserve to live after what had transpired? All the terrible things I had done while on my dark path? I tentatively probed my mind for Kylo Ren but he felt absent. My confidence grew a bit but then I thought of my uncle: Skywalker and the old hatred flooded in—I had to close myself off to that now. Look where that path had taken me. I needed to focus on Rey. She anchored me.

I looked into Rey's eyes and a vision of her limp body filled my head – I felt a flash of the raw emotion I'd felt when I thought that she was lost to me forever. And I knew that whatever the path I had taken to get to this moment, it was the right one—because it had led me to her. I reached up to touch her smiling face and pulled her close to me, like my very life depended on it.

REY

While our souls felt like they knew each other, we were still awkward with one another. Talking through our force bond was one thing, but it was something else entirely to be together in flesh and blood. Ben had the habit of quietly watching me while I moved about our quarters. It was something that made me tingle with anticipation, waiting for him say something. To pull me to him. And I must be honest, sometimes my impatience won out and I'd be the one to make him come to me. When that happened he always smiled a little, like that had been his plan all along.

We took our time exploring our bond—there was nothing and nobody to interrupt us. I'd stocked the hut with plenty of rations while Ben was healing, so we had little need to leave. Ben told me more of his childhood—there was sadness, but plenty of good memories too. Certainly more than I had. I could see his face vacillate between joy and sorrow as he remembered what he had – and how he had lost it all. I shared stories of my lonely existence on Jakku and gently traced the lines on his forehead with my pinky as he frowned at my tales. "So lonely. I wish I could have saved you from that," he whispered. But couldn't he see? He had.

While the threat from Palpatine was gone, I knew there were still vestiges of the First Order out there—that there was still danger in the galaxy. I need to keep my training up, to keep myself strong in case I was needed again. I would work with my new lightsaber daily in the courtyard, keeping myself sharp, improving my technique. Ben never joined me, he would watch from the doorway with hooded eyes. Sometimes I knew exactly what he was thinking, but at times like these, it scared me that I had no idea. My favorite days were when he grew tired of watching me sweat in the hot suns and I would feel that familiar pull as he tugged me to him with his outstretched hand. Of course, I could have resisted, but why would I have?

Days turned into weeks and we grew contented in the newness of being together. Of being able to touch one another at a whim, to simply, "be" as one. I had finally found the belonging I had been searching for all my life, and I felt it: he had too. 

But I should have known that it couldn't last.


	3. A Knock at the Door

BEN

It had been weeks since our battle with Palpatine—where one part of me had died and another part had been reborn. My time with Rey had been idyllic since then. I rarely thought of Kylo Ren and if I did it was as if he were another person altogether—but I sensed our days of hiding were about to come to an end. That there was still unfinished business. We couldn't hide away forever. One afternoon there were footsteps outside in the courtyard and I felt an unwelcome presence. I reached instinctively for my saber but, of course, it was gone. No matter, the force was still as strong in me as ever. I didn't need a weapon.

"Ben, let me see who it is first. We don't need it to get out that you're still alive. That we're together. Not until we make a plan." Rey placed her hand firmly on my chest to hold me back, concern in her eyes. That cut a little, I won't lie. I understood that there would be people—people close to her—that would not accept me as Ben. To them I was, and would always be, Kylo Ren. Supreme Leader. Monster. But what did it matter? What did it matter to her? I had given up everything for her. And I didn't want to share her with anyone. She looked at me beseechingly and I sighed. It went against my very nature, but I acquiesced to her request and retreated to the next room.

REY

I opened the door to Finn's smiling face as he pulled me into a bear hug. I couldn't help returning his smile, despite my concern over Ben being discovered. It had been so long since I'd seen him and it felt good to see a friend again. I stepped past him as I pulled the door shut behind me. He had an over bright look in his eyes and I sensed his need to tell me something. I had always felt strong feelings for me coming from him and it wouldn't do for him to confess them to me within earshot of Ben.

"Rey, I had a feeling I'd find you here. I felt it." He looked at me meaningfully. "I've been looking for you for weeks. I really need to tell you something." I felt a tightening in the pit of my stomach. I loved Finn – but as a friend. I already had a soul mate. "I need you Rey. And you'll understand why when I tell you the secret I've been keeping from you." I took a deep breath to stop him—I didn't want him to say something that he couldn't take back. That would ruin our friendship. It was too important to me. But he pressed on, oblivious to my discomfort. "Rey, I can feel the force. I mean, not like you do—that's crazy powerful. But, I can feel it and sometimes I can even control it. I need you. I need someone to train me to help figure out how I can use it." My jaw dropped. This was obviously not what I was expecting. Then I smiled. A true, happy, relieved smile. "Finn, that's amazing. And I...I would love to help you, but..." My smile faded and my voice trailed off as I thought of Ben. And of how Finn would feel if he knew the former Supreme Leader was in the hut behind us waiting for me. That I'd pledged myself to him. I knew I had no choice, at least at the moment. "Finn, I can't help you. Not now. I'm still working through things and I really need time to be alone. To figure out what my place is and where I belong. I'm no use to you until then." His smile paled and I could see the hurt in his eyes. Could feel it coming off him in waves. "OK, I get it. Yeah, take the time you need. And find me when you're ready." His disappointment was palpable as he strode off through the sand. I wanted to call him back, but I knew this was for the best.

Ben could tell the encounter had shaken me. He didn't press me for details but I knew he could sense my anxiety and confusion. He crossed the room to put his hands on my shoulders and looked into my eyes, "Rey, let go." I looked up into his face and I did.

BEN

Watching Rey sleep, my emotions turned dark again. The lamp in the next room cast my shadow onto her face and I shifted so I could see her more clearly. I knew that she cared for me—probably even loved me the way I loved her. But that didn't mean I was good for her. My presence in her life was a negative—it took away from her purpose. Held her back. Kept her isolated from the others she cared about. Turned her into an outcast again. Plus, more importantly, deep down, I knew I didn't deserve this happiness. I didn't deserve her. I still felt raw inside and I didn't totally trust myself. I couldn't bear to hurt another person who loved me. I'd done enough of that in my life. My jaw clenched, I whispered the words that I never seemed to be able to escape: "I know what I have to do, but I'm not sure I have the strength to do it." I don't know how long I stood there watching her, but finally, I closed my eyes, turned towards the door, and did what I knew I needed to do. I left her.

REY

I awoke with a start and instantly felt his absence. I probed our force bond but it was cold—he'd cut himself off from me. I felt panic flame in me as I tried my best to snuff it out. "No! Ben!" I forced my breathing to slow and tried reaching out again, focusing all of my control. _Be with me. Be with me. Be with me. _But there was no answer. Just complete and utter silence.__

____

__I was alone again._ _

____

____

____


	4. Before He Left

REY

It had been three months of silence and I was starting to give up hope of ever finding Ben again. I felt like I'd literally traveled the entire galaxy in search of him. In search of even a trace of our link, but I kept running into dead ends. Of course, I couldn't ask for help or even let anyone know what I was doing. I hadn't breathed a word of what had happened during the weeks after the battle of Exegol despite the fact that I'd crossed paths with my friends on numerous occasions.

But what HAD happened? I'd thought we were building a fragile trust with one another. That it had been Ben Solo that had been cocooned away with me, but what if I was wrong? What if helping me survive was just another attempt by Kylo to rid himself of his enemies and to draw me to his side. But, if so, it had certainly been working, so why leave? I truly felt in my gut that it was not what had happened, but then why had he left me so suddenly? I couldn't fathom any other reason than deception.

I thought back to our last night together, searching for details I'd overlooked that would illuminate the reason behind his middle-of-the-night flight. But I couldn't find anything to support the idea that he had been planning to leave me and, frankly, what I did remember made me blush crimson to my toes.

Despite our weeks alone together, we'd been tentative with our...well, you know...our physical relationship. I was an innocent with no real insight into how to proceed and he seemed to respect my need to tread carefully. Oh, we took every opportunity to be close, to touch one another, but whenever our fondling kisses became too unbalanced he always stepped back, sometimes much to my frustrated disappointment. In this matter, he seemed to have the self-control of a Master Jedi. But one night things seemed different.

We lay on the bed with the stars pulsing through the window. We'd talked for hours but at some point Ben's hazel eyes darkened and the electric pull I felt from him nearly singed me alive. He rolled on top of me, pinning me to the bed, pressed under his delicious weight.

He dipped his head, caught my bottom lip between his teeth and gently tugged. My arms were above my head and he held them gently but firmly. He teased me with his tongue, flicking it down the column of my neck, over the swell of my breasts. I shivered with anticipation. I wasn't sure how much of this I could take. I focused and deftly flipped on top of him so I straddled his waist and now held his arms captive. He held my steamy gaze and grinned in his devastating way, "As you like. Tonight is about what you want, Rey. I am merely your servant."

A thrill ran down my spine as I lowered my body onto his so our entire lengths were in contact. This was what I wanted. To be as close to him as possible, in every way. He shook a little as I released his hands and trailed my fingers lightly down his sides. So strong. So perfect. Now that his hands were free, he used them to remove my bindings, freeing me from my clothing skillfully and completely and I shimmied to help him remove even my undergarments, kicking them to the floor. I'm not sure where my modesty had gone, but it had utterly left me. This felt right.

There was something incredibly powerful about being unclothed while he was not and I felt the fabric of his tunic brush against me in a way that was maddeningly appealing. I took in a deep and shuddering breath. I didn't know if I would survive this. He reached around to cup my bottom and pulled me toward him and all I could feel were the hard angles and steely parts of him. He kissed me deeply and I lost all sense—I couldn't think, I could only feel. Every cell in my body felt on fire and my fingers reached desperately for the clasp on his belt. I was untrained in the ways of the flesh but I knew enough to know that that was where the solution to my torment lay. He swiftly stopped me, capturing both of my wrists in the large grip of a single elegant hand. "No, my little Jedi, patience. I told you, this is about you." He silenced my protests by slanting his mouth over mine and I lost the will to argue.

When he finally released my hands I let them drift up to his face, to tangle in his hair and pull him even closer to me. "So strong. So wild." He murmured into my ear as he gently nipped it. He reached between us and slid his fingers into me and I bucked against him at the unexpected contact. I heard someone purr, "Please" and only vaguely recognized the voice as my own. He gave me a moment to adjust to the sensation and then began to move his hand against the delicate skin and I was so wet and ready that it was mere moments until I shattered into a thousand pieces for him. I'd felt remarkable connections through my force sensitivity, but holy suns, nothing even close to this—it went on and on into what seemed eternity.

I collapsed into his arms and he gently pulled the blanket over me. I had never felt so special, so loved, so "at home." The corners of my mouth turned up in a gentle smile as I snuggled closer to him and drifted off to sleep, only half realizing that I'd left him without resolution, the length of him still hard against my thigh. I didn't have the opportunity to make things right, however.

When I awoke, it was to find him gone.


	5. Jara

REY

Sweat dripped down my cheek as my saber hummed and took down another stormtrooper. I relished the return to focus that the battle brought. It felt good to be doing something with purpose again. I parried and then returned my attacker's blow with a swift downward swipe that hit true. I watched as the last enemy standing between me and my goal dropped to his knees and fell sideways, lifeless. Taking in a shuddering breath I felt myself return to the physical world— the breeze rustled the tendrils of hair at my nape, I heard the insects whispering in the trees, smelled the overly sweet smell of blossoms in the air.

I switched off my saber and clipped it to my belt as I assessed the locked building before me. I heard footsteps behind me and turned to see Poe running through the rocky brush, several of the crew followed in his wake. Finn brought up the rear, limping as he ran. Looked like he took a blaster to the thigh. He'd survive.

"Rey, did you find them?" Poe yelled. I nodded. "I think so. I think they're in here, judging by how many stormtroopers were guarding it." We were on a mission to rescue some force-sensitive younglings that had supposedly been rounded up by the first order with the intent of weaponizing them. The team stood back expectantly waiting for me to open the large bay door, blasters at the ready in case of more troopers within. I closed my eyes and focused my power, channeling it through my outstretched hand and I felt the steel door bend like a sapling in the wind until, with an ear-splitting screech, it gave way, leaving an opening big enough for us to enter.

"Something feels wrong." Poe whispered. He was right. It was too silent. Too easy. He put his hand up to stay us and carefully crept toward the opening. I unclipped my saber from my belt and ignited it as I followed Poe through the broken door. We made our way down the darkened passageway with no impediments. As we came to the end of the hall, I felt something emanating from the room beyond. I tentatively reached out with my mind and felt a weak force pull in response. I lowered my saber—there was no threat here. I gently squeezed Poe's arm signaling for him to let me pass and I quietly moved into the room. Sure enough, trembling in the back corner of a large and mostly empty room was a young girl—probably only 6 or so. I made myself calm and tried my best to assure her, without words, that we meant her no harm.

I approached her slowly as I would a frightened sand hare and slowly crouched before her. She still wouldn't look up. Her arms were clenched around her knees and she had her long braid between her teeth. "Hi, my name's Rey and I'm here to get you out of here. I promise I'm not going to hurt you." She slowly raised her head and I looked into her red-rimmed eyes. I could tell she wanted to trust me but she'd obviously been through a lot at the hands of the First Order. She took in a gulp of air and forced herself to speak. "Are you a Jedi?" She asked. I smiled my assent and she smiled back.

Once we were finally back on the Falcon, and I had gotten Jara settled for the night, I retreated to my cabin, completely drained from the day's events. That was good. Exhaustion was good. I'd be more likely to slip into a dreamless sleep. These days my dreams were never good. They were always the same, me helplessly searching for Ben or—sometimes even worse—me watching him die all over again in the caves of Exegol. But in my dreams he never comes back.

Sometimes I would jolt myself awake—my subconscious rebelling against my nightmares and I swear I could see him in the darkened corner of my room. Just sitting in a chair, watching over me as I slept. And my heart would jump at the thought that our force bond had been restored—that he'd come to me. But if I sat up and called his name, I would realize that it was just my imagination playing tricks on me. There was nothing in the chair but a cruel shadow. So I would roll over, pull the blanket over my head, and cry myself back to sleep.


	6. Force Bond

BEN

I had been careless. Of course I couldn't stay away. I was weak. Always weak. Late at night, when I knew she would be asleep, I used our force bond to visit her. I'd sit in her room for hours and watch her, wanting to go to her. To climb under the covers and wake her slowly with my body pressed against hers. But knowing I couldn't. I shouldn't. Some nights she'd cry out in her sleep and I knew she was having the same nightmares I was. But, with time, she'd get over me. She'd be able to have a semi-normal life. I knew I never would.

I would do my best to leave well before the morning but, sometimes, I just couldn't make myself go. She had almost caught me on more than one occasion and I always vowed to be more careful in the future. But then the next night I'd struggle to leave again. But if she saw me, if we spoke, I knew I'd have to start all over again from square one, and I didn't know if I'd have the strength to leave her the next time.

It was only a matter of time until it happened. I wasn't really sleeping during my self-imposed exile and the only time I felt at peace was when I was with her in her room at night. As I listened to the gentle rhythm of her breathing my eyes drifted shut and my head rolled back into the soft leather of the chair. I'm not sure how long I dozed, but when I awoke it was to feel her kneeling in front of me. Her small hands on my thighs. She didn't say anything and I didn't trust myself to speak. Our eyes locked and a tear ran down her cheek—I wasn't sure if it was joy or sadness at catching me there. Probably a little bit of both. I think we were both afraid that to break the silence would break the gentle spell around us. Where we were together but not really. Where we could feel each other's ghostly electric touch. She broke eye contact and moved her hands to my waist and before I could stop her she undid my pants freeing me to the cool night air. I was already hard.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that this very scenario had played out in my head on more than one occasion as I watched her sleep. Usually I'd quietly take my own release as I imagined it, but that night I didn't have to. I knew I should have stopped her. That this was making things so much harder, but I had wanted this very thing for so long. To feel her mouth and tongue on me, there was no way that I could stop it. I took in a shaky breath and let out a low moan as she ran her tongue around the tip and then down my rigid shaft before she took me deeply in her mouth. I gripped the arm of the chair with one hand while my other gently fisted in her hair, giving her the sign that she was doing everything right. I spilled into her mouth as she swallowed, wiping the corner of her lips with her knuckle. 

We still didn't speak but she moved in closer between my legs, wrapped her arms around my waist and lay her head against my chest. "I love you Ben" was all she said. I wanted to say it back but the lump in my throat was too much for me and I couldn't say a word, so I just wrapped my arms around her too, pulled her close and hoped she could feel my thoughts without words.


	7. Reality

REY

The next morning I felt the tiny stirrings of hope. Despite the fact that Ben had disappeared again after our encounter, I felt the heady power of knowing that he couldn't leave me totally. That he was as drawn to me as ever and that I hadn't actually been imagining his presence in my room. He'd been there all along—watching over me. I would make him return to me. We belonged together.

I forced myself to put Ben out of my mind. I couldn't walk around all day mooning over him. I had things to do and I needed to check on Jara. I grabbed some instant rations and some hot water and mixed up a quick breakfast to bring her. She was awake and dressed and sitting in the chair in her room. The bed was neatly made. 

"Good morning. I hope you slept alright."

She looked at me tentatively but didn't respond. Her carefully plaited braid was clenched between her teeth again. I tried a different tack.

"I've brought us some breakfast. Perhaps we can chat while we eat?"

That got her attention. Her eyes were drawn hungrily to the steaming food on my tray and I could tell that this was the way to her secrets. I pulled down the tabletop that was folded against the wall to save space in the small cabin and set the tray down. Then I motioned for her to pull her chair over as I retrieved a second one from the far side of the room. She obeyed immediately and desperately dug into the breakfast like she hadn't eaten in days. And perhaps that was true. I gave her a few moments to focus on the task at hand before I tried to engage her again. Finally she licked her spoon clean and set it on the table. I looked into her eyes and tried to give her what I thought was a reassuring look.

"Jara, how long were you held by the First Order? Has it been a long time since you've seen your family?" 

She looked at me with wide unblinking eyes but still didn't speak. Then she started to cry. Big body-wracking sobs that seemed to come from the deepest part of her. 

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to push you. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." I felt her pain. I too had been separated from my parents, used as a tool for The Dark Side. It had taken nearly everything from me and taken all my resolve to resist it. I truly understood how that could crush your soul and leave it damaged.

I went to her and cautiously put my arm around her trembling shoulders in an attempt to console her. Her crying slowly ratcheted down and she unceremoniously wiped her nose on my shoulder. She took a deep breath and finally opened up. 

"My parents are dead. They were killed by the First Order for trying to protect me. I'm alone now." She said hollowly.

I shook my head. "You're not alone, Jara. I won't let you be. I understand what it's like to have your parents taken from you. I can't bring them back for you but I can help you find a place here. A place where you can make a future."

She seemed to accept that. She had, at least, ceased her tears and leaned her head into my shoulder for comfort. There was no more to say, I needed to give her time. And, honestly, our encounter had unraveled me more than I cared to admit.

Taking my leave, I walked back to my cabin, hands trembling so badly I could barely open the shield door. Once I was safely alone on my bed I let the turbulent emotions that had been bubbling up wash over me. I finally understood what Ben was doing, why he had left. How stupid I had been. There was no way we could make a life together. Not after what he'd done, the people he'd hurt. People like Jara could never forgive that. Never forget. I'd need to make a decision—live a life of exile with him or a normal life without him. Suddenly, all the hope I'd felt that morning vanished. Just like he had.


	8. Rift

BEN

Of course I went back the next night. Nothing could have kept me away after what had happened, even though it went against my better instincts. I had to see her. Had to touch her again. I had gone too long in my life isolating myself, both mentally and physically. This new-found intimacy was intoxicating and the more I got, the more I craved. I couldn't bear to be alone with my thoughts for too long—they always led down a dark and tortuous path.

I had taken the day to meditate and to think things through. All of my selfless reasons for leaving her crumbled under the weight of my desire. We could figure it out, there was nothing that we couldn't do together. If her friends couldn't deal with it then so be it. I would make sure I was enough for her. I would spend every day of the rest of my life making sure I was enough for her.

I needed to see her but wasn't sure I was ready to talk yet, so I waited longer than usual to ensure she was asleep before I reached for our force bond. Hoping I could just slip under the covers with her. I should have known better. I emerged in her room to find her sitting ramrod straight and fully clothed on her small bed, obviously waiting for me. Her legs crossed in her meditation pose and her hands resting calmly on her knees. When she opened them, she had a look in her gold-flecked eyes that I hadn't seen in a long time and it made my heart turn cold. The air sucked from my lungs. I had hoped to never see it again—not from her. Our gazes locked and in that moment all my hopes were obliterated in the depths of her eyes as completely as if she had taken a saber to them.

"Rey, what's happened?"

I inwardly cringed at the pleading I heard in my voice. She had truly bewitched me, I didn't recognize myself—this all-encompassing need for her. I moved towards her with my hand outstretched but she shrunk back from me. I withdrew and stood awkwardly waiting for her to speak. Waiting for her verdict to be delivered which I had no doubt would cleave my soul in two. I tried to skim her mind for a hint at what she was thinking but all I felt was a tempest of emotions—fear, love, loneliness and, yes, buried below but still there, hatred.

She couldn't look me in the eyes but she finally spoke, slowly and as if rehearsed.

"I understand now why you left. I know you realized sooner than I did that it just won't work." She sounded emotionless as she delivered the words that cut me deeper than any physical wound I'd endured. "I'm so happy you're alive, Ben. And so grateful that we had the time together that we did. But deep down we both knew this was something for the dark and not for the light of day."

She took a deep breath and thought a moment before going on, measuring her words.

"You've done things that I can't even comprehend. Hurt people. And I know it wasn't all your fault, but it was still YOU who did them."

What could I say? I had no response to that. She was right. I hung my head in disgrace, my hair shading my eyes so I didn't have to look at her. But I knew I had to try to explain myself. To change her mind.

"We knew it wouldn't be easy, Rey. I'm not sure what you expected. What matters is that we came out of those caves alive. Together. You have to let the past die. The future is what matters."

A tear streaked down her flushed cheek and her voice finally cracked as she replied.

"I'm sorry Ben. I can't be what you want me to be. I love you, I really do. But I can't do this—hiding you away, secret night meetings, lying to my friends. It's tearing me apart. It's like there are two sides of me and they are constantly at war."

Now that I could understand—and it was something I never wanted to put her through. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. Tonight was not at all going the way I had thought it would. I had pictured taking up where we left off, feeling her burning skin next to mine, her tight body under me, her lips...everywhere. And, most importantly, finally doing what I'd wanted to do from the first time I'd met her—claiming her totally, body and soul.

Alas, not tonight.

I was not one to give up though—years of torture and training had steeled my resolve and that hadn't left me when the darkness had. We would be together, just not as soon as I'd hoped.

I let my eyes wash over her—her guileless beauty and raw strength. She gazed back at me with a mixture of heartbreak and determination. She was perfect. This was the Rey I had fallen in love with and I wouldn't want her any other way. I knew I just had to bide my time and work to earn a place by her side.

I approached her and laid my palm against her cheek before she could stop me.

"You know you can't hide from me, Rey. I'll give you time, but I'll be back. We belong together. And we will be."

I felt a shiver pass through her as my words hit home and just the trace of a smile on her face as I released the force bond and retreated to lick my wounds.


	9. Kylo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I love Ben, but I have to admit I missed Kylo Ren just a little. Found a way to bring him back for a bit.
> 
> Let me know what you think about smut content so far. Too much? Too little? I must admit that it is the most fun to write. :-)
> 
> ******

REY

He was true to his word. He stayed away, giving me time alone. A month had passed—enough time that I ached for him. I felt half-empty inside, like a part of me was missing. I thought the separation would slowly dull the pain over the days, but with every hour that went by, I became more and more unsettled.

Jara was a bright and talented young girl and daily training with her was a welcome distraction. She worked diligently and was becoming stronger with a regular ration of food. I could still feel her broken spirit but that would obviously take longer to mend.

After a particularly tough day of training and questioning my decisions and priorities, I cleaned up for bed and crawled under the sheets both bone and spirit weary. I felt like my only refuge was my dreams where I sometimes saw Ben. I could never remember much, could only catch a thread or two as I awoke in the morning—his smile, a gentle caress—but it was enough to keep me going another day. I hated to admit how much I looked forward to burrowing under the covers and closing my eyes with the thought of seeing his face in my dreams.

As I drifted off, a jungle tableau appeared in my head—I was in a wild place, hot and steamy. Varying shades of green and violent pinks surrounded me, animals and birds sounded off in the distance. My feet couldn't find firm footing on the jungle floor as I mincingly followed a poorly tramped path, pushing vines aside as I traveled the twisting length of it. My force bond thrummed and I picked up speed, eager for him to materialize in my dream. I was expecting to see Ben, but, this time, it was Kylo Ren that came to me.

I skidded in my tracks, my breath catching in my throat. It had been a long time since I'd seen him like this. Head to toe in black, red saber ignited but in resting position, mask covering his face, black cape rustling in the stifling breeze. My mind rebelled—I thought Kylo was gone, that I'd never have to see him again.

He read my thoughts and I heard his answer in my head.

_Ben came back for you but you sent him away. His parents are dead. He has no friends. What did he have left to stay for? The Darkness is all he has left. ___

____

No. I shook my head violently. "That's. Not. True."

____

__The jagged mask looked down on me and he spoke with his voice modulator. "Search your feelings and you'll find you know the truth. But that doesn't have to be a problem. We both know that your feelings run deeper than just Ben. You felt our connection since the day we met."_ _

____

__I shook my head again but his words rang true. "Say it Rey. Admit you want me too. You can't truly love Ben without accepting that I am a part of him." I didn't speak but suddenly a pair of magna-cuffs appeared in his hand. He looked down and laughed in surprise. "Well so be it. It's your dream."_ _

____

He placed the cuffs on me and led me down the path, taking care that I didn't fall. At one point I slipped and tumbled into him and he gently righted me, his hand lingering on my waist, urging me on. We turned a corner and I saw his ship—we had heard it had been destroyed in reality, but somehow it remained intact in my head. Once onboard I registered that we were alone, the ship was dark and no one else was there. With each step towards his quarters I became more nervous, but I felt the anticipation too. I burned with shame as I acknowledged that he was right. I wanted this. Ben and Kylo were all jumbled up in my mind and I couldn't easily separate them. As we got to the door, he used the force to open it as he gathered me in his arms and carried me easily into the room beyond.

____

The last time I'd been here was when I was searching for the Wayfinder, when we'd fought and destroyed his grandfather's mask. At the time, I hadn't looked around much so who knew what was memory and what was imagination. It was barren with white, black, and steel everywhere—nothing personal to speak of—it could have been anyone's cabin. He carried me through the foyer to the sleeping chambers and roughly tossed me onto the bed. I knew I should redirect this but knowing it was only a dream I convinced myself to follow my mind where it led. What harm could come from it?

____

He stood over me, his dark, towering strength all the more impressive from my vantage point on the bed. With a flick of his hand the cuffs released. "This is your dream, Rey. Tell me what to do."

Images appeared in my traitorous mind before I could stop them. "Very well." I heard the amusement in his voice. "That's a start."

My breath hitched as he climbed onto the foot of the bed and bent to remove my top. Oh so slowly. He set a leather-clad knee between my legs and gently nudged them apart, grinding it into the cleft. I wasn't bound but I couldn't resist, I was at his mercy by my own design. He palmed my breasts with his gloved hands, circling the taut peaks with his thumbs until they hardened unbearably. I writhed beneath him but he held me down with his body so he could continue his skillful work. He then divested me of my leggings and underthings and ran his hands down the length of my thighs, over my calves, until he reached my ankles. Then reversed course and started up the inside of my legs until he came tantalizingly close to the juncture of my thighs where I was wet and ready for him. His breathing sounded labored beneath his mask. I could tell this was affecting him too. He splayed his gloved hand on my belly and then ever so slowly trailed it down to insert a finger into me and then, when I thought I'd faint from the pleasure, he added a second. And then a third. I was tight but stretched to accommodate. His other hand continued the adoration of my breasts as his fingers moved in a crescendo that sent me spiraling into orgasm.

____

It wasn't nearly enough though. I wanted _him _. I longed for him to remove his mask and clothes and finally possess me once and for all—I couldn't wait any longer. I knew there had to be more than this (admittedly spectacular) finger work and I was ready for it.__

____

____

____

"Please" I moaned and fumbled with the waistband on his trousers.

Kylo drew back immediately. "No" he said firmly. "I don't want your first time to be with him. Not even in your head." He released the clasp on his helmet with a hiss and I saw Ben's face staring back at me. He peeled off his gloves, seized my face in his hands and kissed me so deeply I thought I'd die from want of him. "I told you—you can't hide from me." He grinned like the devil I knew he was and then disappeared.

____

____

____

I awoke to find the sheets twisted around me, my night shift hiked up, and the feeling that I hadn't been alone. I looked down on the bed next to me and there was a single purple flower. As I reached for the bloom, my hand registered the heat coming from the other side of the bed. My cheeks flamed and I let out an involuntary gasp.

I definitely hadn't been alone.

____

____

____


	10. Meditation

BEN

Well, that had been a surprise. I'd known we had chemistry since the moment we first crossed paths on Takodana, but to see that her feelings for me ran so deeply—to every part of me—was indeed humbling. Our connection was undeniable. Even she had to see that now—we belonged to each other. That's not to say I wasn't a little jealous. Was it even possible to be jealous of yourself? No matter. I'd get my chance to show her that Ben was just as skillful as Kylo. Next time I'd make sure it was my name she cried out as she came.

I sat on a rocky perch overlooking the ocean on Ahch-To, where I had retreated to do some soul searching once I had left Tatooine. She hadn't thought to look for me here. I guess she imagined it was the last place I'd want to go , and that was a valid point. The memories this haunted place held were excruciating—I felt Skywalker's presence clearly, reminding me of all my mistakes ten-fold. But I had to start somewhere if I wanted to maintain the delicate balance that Rey had wrought within me. I had to test myself, had to come to terms with what had happened in the past.

I'd been seeking penance here. Since I'd arrived I'd worked to rebuild the Jedi Temple — not the way it was, but a new one for a new millennium. If I could create the blueprint for a new way forward for the Jedi Order then perhaps I could also find a new way forward for myself and Rey. She would see that there was a future where we could be together. And, of course, there were other layers to my vision which I would reveal to her in time. This was my mission now.

In the meantime, I was attempting to meditate but my thoughts kept pointing back to Rey like a compass seeking True North. I tried to guide my mind to emptiness, but images of her dream the previous night kept flashing in my head. I forced myself to center on an image of the cloud-bedecked peak in the distance but my overworked brain quickly transformed it into her rosy-tipped breast.

_Not working. ___

____

__I switched focus to the gentle movement of the waves below me but it soon became her undulating hips beneath my gloved hands. For the record, meditation did not work with a hard cock — it tended to be a distraction. And my need for her was reaching a peak—all of this foreplay and force bond toying was certainly pleasurable, but the fact was that I needed to bury myself in her, well and good, before I lost my mind._ _

____

Finally, I gave up. I scanned my surroundings to be certain there were no caretakers in the vicinity and reached down to release myself from my trousers. I focused on the reverent look on her face as my fingers had teased her into orgasm—the uncontrolled sounds she had made, the way she moved against my fingers to take me in more deeply. How would she meet the thrusts of my cock when the time came? I could only imagine at this point. And I did. At the vivid images my mind conjured, I gripped my length tightly and engaged in the comforting and rhythmic motion that took me over the edge. Visions flashed in my head of her lithe body and all the things I still dreamed of doing with—and to—her. Moaning aloud, I exploded with her name on my lips. _Rey._

____

____

____

A poor substitute for the real thing, but at least now I could return to my meditation.

____

____

____


	11. Drinks

REY

I had to reckon with myself— last night's dream, whether fantasy or reality (I increasingly felt it was reality), had shown me something. I was in too deep with Ben, there was no going back and I just needed to figure out how to move forward. It was almost a relief to come to terms with the fact that my heart belonged to him—I had been deluding myself that I could move on and have a life without him. I could see now that that was impossible. He was my other half. Now, I had to find him. I hadn't the faintest idea where to look next. My best option was to wait for our force bond to reopen and coerce him to let me know where he was. He'd proven that he couldn't stay away any more than I could. Problem was that when I saw him, talking was the last thing I wanted to do.

***

It had been days and still no sign of him. I had tried reaching out for him but couldn't feel his presence. I'd forced myself to keep busy —making minor repairs to the Falcon, training with Jara, and spending time with Poe, Finn, and Chewie. We were on Ajan Kloss helping to make plans to clean up the galaxy as best we could. It was good and needed work, but now that I had made my mind up, I was itchy to see Ben. Would we never be on the same page? I felt like one of us was constantly pulling away. It was time for us to end that. We belonged together.

I really enjoyed spending time with Jara—she was a gifted student and her quiet determination reminded me of myself at times. She had gradually opened up to me, and I learned more about her life before her kidnapping and her time held captive by the First Order. It was a small relief that she seemed to have never encountered Kylo Ren during her captivity. At least I didn't have a personal connection to overcome. She, of course, knew who he was and mentioned his name with fear. Who didn't? Whenever he came up, I delicately shifted the conversation—my guilty conscience would give me away if I wasn't careful. I may have made my mind up about forging a future with Ben, but it was another thing altogether to share this news with others.

Jara had come from Idraca in the Vita System. Had loving parents and two older brothers. Had. The First Order had killed them when they tried to stop them from taking her. I could do nothing but listen to her though. I couldn't help her change the past. All I could hope was that I could help her to find a new family—here with us.

After supper, with Jara tucked safely into bed, I sat with Chewie and Finn as they played an increasingly competitive game of holochess. It was clear from Chewie's guttural cries that Finn was improving—and that was not at all acceptable. Poe sauntered into the room at a well-timed moment, breaking up the mounting tension and proffering a crystal-cut bottle in one hand and a stack of small cups in the other. "The Good Stuff." He announced as he set it up on a side table. 

I always declined when the boys were drinking, but something in my anxious brain made me reach out a hand as he poured. Poe did a double take but seemed to stop himself from commenting as he passed out the amber-filled vessels carefully, not wanting to waste a drop. "The Good Stuff" didn't come around that often. I inhaled and felt a burning sensation in my nose and had second thoughts immediately. Why did people drink this swill?

Three cups later, I understood exactly why—it was glorious. My face tingled pleasantly, everything my friends said was immensely amusing, and—most importantly—I wasn't focusing one bit on my troubles with Ben. In fact, I had a hopeful feeling that everything would work out just fine. I couldn't stop smiling. As Poe related a dramatic story from his time as a spice runner, I reached for the bottle to refill my cup but I felt Finn's hand on my wrist. "Rey, take a break. You aren't used to this and it will hit you harder. Believe me—it won't be as much fun tomorrow when you have a killer headache."

"Just one more." I promised. I wanted this feeling to go on and on and never stop. But, I probably should have listened. After I drained my final glass, I started to feel woozy and couldn't quite make my words come out right. My friends laughed, not unkindly, at my jumbled speech and Finn promptly ordered me to bed to sleep it off. He linked elbows with me and helped me head off to my cabin on the Falcon. 

Pausing at the door of my room, Finn put his hand against my cheek and smiled at me. "I'm glad you're back with us Rey. You're doing a great job helping Jara and I've really appreciated all the help you've being giving me. I'm starting to feel like I have some control. This is where you should be. We're a family." I smiled at him and nodded my head as he bent down and gave me a peck on the cheek goodnight and then nudged me through the door of my cabin.

I heard the door shut behind me; let my eyes adjust to the dim light. Not long enough. I promptly walked into a chair. I felt my balance waver and I tumbled awkwardly onto my bed. What luck it was in the right location to break my fall, I thought, and I giggled at that.

"What the hell happened to you, Rey?" 

_Kriff. _He was here.__

____

And he did not sound amused.

____


	12. Pledge

BEN

My temper flamed as I watched the filthy traitor Rey called a friend put his hands on her. It took every ounce of my control to stay hidden in the shadows and not lash out. He was lucky it was brief and platonic. If it hadn't been, and he hadn't exited so quickly, I'm not sure I could have contained my rage. My hands clenched at my sides, nails digging into my palms. Doubtful I could have inflicted my vengeance on him through the force bond, but I knew where they were and I could be there by morning.

I watched her stumble and tip sideways onto the bed. 

_Was she intoxicated? _Unbelievable.__

____

"What the hell happened to you, Rey?" She stiffened at the sound of my voice.

____

"Ben." She sighed in breathy happiness and it was enough to make my cock twitch. I advanced towards her and she rolled onto her back gazing up at me with glassy, yet welcoming eyes. She reached her hand up to me but I was still too angry to take it. 

____

"What are you doing? Are you drunk? And why was he walking you back?" _Kriff _I sounded like a jealous fool. I took a deep breath and started again.__

______ _ _

"You have to know Rey—light side, dark side, Jedi, Sith, human, Hutt—no matter. If they touch you as anything more than a friend, I _will _destroy them. You are mine. And I don't share what's mine." My eyes burned into hers and she stared into them acknowledging the truth in the words. Good. She needed to understand that this was nothing to joke about. Not if she didn't want to get one of her little friends killed.__

________ _ _ _ _

She hiccuped and pushed herself up to a seated position and I felt her fire come back, seemingly clearing her head. "I'm yours? If that's the truth then stop hiding from me, skulking around in my dreams, and come back and claim me." She challenged. A fat, angry tear slid slowly down her cheek.

________ _ _ _ _

As her anger rose, I felt mine subside. What was I doing? I was the one who left in the first place, after all. She was right. I shouldn't take this out on her. "Rey, I'm sorry. I just wasn't expecting to find you here. Like this. With him."

________ _ _ _ _

"Like what? He's my friend. That's it. And I'm losing my mind here without you, Ben. Tonight was the first time in a long time I was able to forget about things and relax and actually have fun." She closed her eyes and bit her bottom lip. When she opened them again her anger was gone and I could only see despair.

________ _ _ _ _

"Please, just tell me where you are. I'll come to you. I'll leave tonight." _Please. _The last word was left unspoken but it echoed in my head. I couldn't stop myself, I went to her and folded her small body in my arms trying to cease her trembling. Her skin felt warm next to mine and I savored the smell of her—the spice of the liquor co-mingling with her usual woodsy, captivating scent. She stared up at me with a longing in her eyes that I was all too familiar with—I felt it myself constantly. I dipped my head to capture her lips, which gently parted to welcome my plundering tongue. When we finally came up for air, she sighed and laid her head against my heart, which was thundering in my chest. I had to make sure she knew how I felt.__

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I know I haven't given you a lot of reason to, but I need you to trust me. I swear to you, we will be together, but it's not time yet. I need this to be forever. I can't live without you, Rey. At least, I don't want to. And I think you feel the same way. Give me time to make this right and we can have a future together where we are both happy. Where you don't have to give everything up for me." She hiccuped again and burrowed her head into my shoulder, wrapped her arms about my waist. _This. _There really wasn't anything more in the world that I wanted.__

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

As I held her close, my thoughts turned increasingly wanton, but a tiny snore escaped her lips—I smiled. It was not the most delicate noise, but endearing all the same. I held her for a few more minutes and then carefully laid her down on her pillow, pulled off her boots and spread a fur blanket over her fully-clothed body. 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Looked like I would be spending the night with my hand. Again.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	13. Alive

REY

Finn hadn't been kidding. I awoke the next morning with a splitting headache and a knot of dread in the pit of my stomach. Ben had been here. He'd been angry at me for letting Finn walk me back. I was angry at him for staying away. I tried to remember the details of our conversation but they eluded me. I could only remember the framework, nothing specific. I had awakened fully clothed and nestled under a blanket so, obviously I hadn't been up for more than talk. I vaguely remembered the feel of his strong arms around me, but then things went blank. _Kriff. _What a missed opportunity. I just had to hope I hadn't said anything that would make him reluctant to come back tonight. This one-way force bond was really getting on my nerves.__

____

***

____

After a quick shower in the refresher, about three jugs of water, and some bland rations I was feeling marginally better. As long as no one spoke too loudly. I passed Chewie as I exited the Falcon and he growled in greeting. _Too loud. _I gave him a wan smile and raised my hand in response. I navigated the solitary path through the trees, happy for the quiet and I let my thoughts drift to back Ben. What was he doing that kept him away? Where was he? I thought back to our lazy days on Tatooine together and I felt a pang of longing at my very core. With the strength of the emotion, I felt our connection flare and I saw him for a minute. He was obviously in the middle of something; I could sense his distraction. He was dressed in snug flight pants and a white shirt that showed off the planes of his chest. I bit my lip. That man was a beautiful thing. Something about him struck me as off, though my hazy brain couldn't pick out what it was. He looked me over and, resolving that I was not in danger, turned back to his task, and shut himself off from me again without a word. I cursed under my breath, shaking a bit from the sighting and his curt dismissal. Fine, I'd put him out of my mind for now I thought and I continued making my way down the path to the base.__

______ _ _

Poe smiled sheepishly as I approached the command center. "How's your head?" He looked to be his usual self—no worse for the wear. Definitely not fair when I had to focus to keep the contents of my stomach from roiling. He took one look at my expression as I squinted in the sunlight and didn't need to wait for an answer. "Sorry kid. Probably should have made sure you started slow. Give it a few hours. You'll feel better." He put his arm around my shoulders, giving me a brotherly squeeze, as we walked inside.

______ _ _

There was a flurry of activity as we entered the command center and I could immediately tell from Finn's face that something was very wrong. "I have bad news." He said with a dire look at Poe. "The earlier reports we got were wrong. Kylo Ren didn't die on Exegol. He's very much alive and our sources claim that he has been spotted on more than one planet in the Mid Rim over the past few weeks." My stomach clenched and I felt myself sway on my feet. "What? That can't be." I protested my voice unnaturally high. Poe hit the console table with his fist and swore menacingly, using a word I'd never heard before, but I could easily intuit its meaning. I felt light-headed as I shut my mouth, too afraid to say a word. "It gets worse." Finn continued. "Rumor is, he's been kidnapping young kids — force sensitive ones. I don't want to even guess at his purposes." With a blinding flash, I realized what I had seen earlier. What had caught the edges of my attention. Clipped to Ben's belt had been a brand new lightsaber. 

______ _ _

My hand felt for the wall to steady me but it was too little, too late.Blackness exploded behind my eyes and Finn's worried cry was the last thing I heard before I hit the floor.

______ _ _


End file.
